Firefly: 1.01 Serenity

Wash:[imitating Dino 1] Everything looks good from here.
Wash: Yes... Yes... This is a fertile land and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land.
Wash: [imitating Dino 2] I think we should call it your grave!
Wash: [imitating Dino 1] Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Wash: [imitating Dino 2] Ha ha ha, mine is an evil laugh, now die!
Wash: [imitating Dino 1] Ahh, no God. Oh, dear god in heaven.
[sirens start blaring as Wash stares to a radar console]
Wash: Oh, motherless, son of a b...

Wash: Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?

Mal: Did you send word to Patience?
Wash: Ain't heard back yet? Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody's makin' a fuss.

Jayne: Here's a little concept I've been working on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It *is* her turn.

Wash: I'd say worth a little risk.
Jayne: Yeah, that was some pretty risky sittin' ya did there.
Wash: That's right, of course. 'Cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded. I'm just the pilot. I could always say that I was flying the ship by accident.

Mal: How close are they?
Wash: About 20 seconds from spitting distance.

Firefly: 1.02 The Train Job

Mal: I'm thinking we'll rise again.
[Serenity rises into view behind them]
Wash: [over loudspeaker] Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.

Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.

Firefly: 1.03 Bushwhacked

Zoë: Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
Wash: [alarmed] Oh, my God. What can it be? We're all doomed!
Wash: Who's flying this thing!?
Zoë: [straight faced]
Wash: Oh right, that would be me. Uh, back to work.

Jayne: Tell you what I think. I figure that fella we run into did everyone on board. Killed 'em all. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood would boil out his ears.
Wash: You're a very "up" person.

[the crew is being interrogated individually]
Commander Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
Zoë: [terse; slightly irritated tone] Fought with a lot of people in the war.
Commander Harken: And your husband.
Zoë: Fight with him sometimes, too.
Commander Harken: Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage?
Zoë: Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.
[in Wash's interrogation]
Wash: [enthusiastic; animated] The legs!
Wash: Oh, yeah! I definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down! Her legs, and right where her legs meet her back. That - actually that whole area. That and - and above it.
Wash: [very enthusiastically] Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Firefly: 1.04 Shindig

Mal: Resupply, look for work, move along. We sniff the air. We don't kiss the dirt.
Zoë: Wasn't planning on the dirt kissin', sir.
Wash: I wouldn't stand for it anyway, Captain, jealous man like me.

Wash: [off an alarm sounding from the console] Closing in.
Zoë: Planet's comin' up a mite fast.
Wash: Ah, that's just 'cause I'm goin' down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Firefly: 1.05 Safe

Zoë: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it somethin' smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black market beagles.

Firefly: 1.06 Our Mrs. Reynolds

Wash: Every planet has it's own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principle form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Baby geese - goslings! They were juggled.

Mal: [about Saffron] You would've kissed her too.
Zoë: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked and all... articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump.
Zoë: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Firefly: 1.07 Jaynestown

Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero.

Wash: [about Jayne's statue] I think they really captured his essence.
Kaylee: He looks angry.
Wash: Yeah, that's kinda what I mean.

Firefly: 1.08 Out of Gas

Mal: You know, I'm gettin' a little weary of this attitude, Wash.
Wash: Oh, are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy.
Mal: It's possible someone might pick up that signal.
Wash: No, Mal. It's not possible. No one's gonna pick up the damn signal. You wanted us flying under the radar, remember? Well, that's where we are, out of range of anyone or anything.
Mal: Then make it go further.
Wash: I - What?
Mal: Make the signal go further.
Wash: Can't make it go further.
Mal: Not if all you're gonna do is sit around here and whinge about it. No.
Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to. And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat...
Wash: And what? Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around. Jump up and down. Divert the nav sats to the transmitter. Whatever.
Wash: Divert the - Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes, Mal, it would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation.
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right, it's true. They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
[Beat, Mal waits for Wash to get it]
Wash: [Still yelling as if he's angry] Well maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Okay!
Mal: Good!
Wash: Fine!
Jayne: Hey! What you two think you're doing? Fightin' at a time like this? You'll use up all the air.

Firefly: 1.09 Ariel

Wash: Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on?
Inara: Ariel's quite a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the Core.
Wash: But... not boring, like she made it sound.

Wash: You know, it's all very sweet, stealing from the rich, selling to the poor...

Firefly: 1.10 War Stories

Wash: Hey, I've been in a firefight before.
[off Mal's look]
Wash: Well, I was in a fire.
Wash: Actually, I was fired... from a fry-cook opportunity. I can handle myself.

Wash: So, I'm Zoë. Now, what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She's terse - I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic.

Wash: I am a large, semi-muscular man...

Wash: ...and then came the part where you lied to me, which really is for me the highlight of this whole adventure!
Zoë: Any way I'm getting out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes.

Firefly: 1.11 Trash

Wash: I'm confused.
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash: No. Actually, I was wondering... WHAT'S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP?

Wash: We're in space! How'd she get here?
Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over!

Firefly: 1.12 The Message

[Simon is standing in front of a jar carrying a mutated cow fetus]
Wash: Oh my God! It's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.

Wash: [speaking directly to the cow fetus that is being passed off as an alien] Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race and we must live in harmony.

Wash: Man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.

Firefly: 1.13 Heart of Gold

Jayne: Whoo! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty in here.
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Kaylee: Everyone's got somebody. Wash, tell me I'm pretty.
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.

Firefly: 1.14 Objects in Space

Wash: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?
Zoë: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.

Wash: [about River] Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science-fiction.
Zoë: We live in a spaceship, dear.
Wash: So?

Wash: Can I mop your brow? I'm at the ready with the fearsome brow mop.

Serenity (2005)

Mal: [First lines, camera pans around Serenity in re-entry and a panel flies off the nose] What was that?
Wash: Did you see that?
Mal: Was that the primary buffer panel?
Wash: It did seem to resemble...
Mal: Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?
Wash: [Checks his instruments] Looks like.
Mal: I thought Kaylee checked the entry couplings. I've a very clear recollection of it.
Wash: Well, if she doesn't get us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn-through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting.
Mal: Define "interesting."
Wash: Oh God, oh God, we're all gonna die.
Mal: [Grabs PA microphone] This is the captain. We're having a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then... explode.
[Hangs up microphone]
Mal: Can you shave the vector?
Wash: I'm doing it, it's not enough.
Mal: Well, just get us on the ground.
Wash: That part'll happen pretty definitely.

Mal: What in the hell happened back there?
Wash: Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90-pound girl 'cause... I don't think that's ever getting old.

Wash: Can I make a suggestion that doesn't involve violence, or is this the wrong crowd for that?

Wash: I am a leaf on the wind - watch how I soar.